Why I killed my blog (and brought it back to life again)

Power of self reflection - Mayra Louise

If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. Well the good news: I’m back. The bad news: it’s a rocky road. I think this is going to be the most personal post so far. And I have to warn you: it’s not uplifting, but it will be honest.

It’s been over six months since I’ve uploaded my last blog post. Before that I was already struggling with posting regularly. I felt like I had to post three times a week, otherwise it wasn’t good enough. I only managed to post three times a week a couple of times. So in my head, when it came to blogging, I was failing ever since I started.

blog the publisized

‘The thing about a personal blog is that it’s hard to keep up if you aren’t able to practice what you preach’

Needless to say, I’m hard on myself. Way too hard. And this is what killed my blog. It took me some time to get back on my feet again. Honestly, I’m still going through the process. I already wrote about the Negative Nancy in me. She tends to take over every now and then. Well the bitch came knocking, and I allowed her to enter my home again. Somebody has been sleeping in my bed, messing with my head.

When I started blogging in October 2014 I wasn’t in the best place already. But I’ve been talking about starting a blog for years so I just pushed myself into doing it. The thing about a personal blog is that it’s hard to keep up if you aren’t able to practice what you preach. Because you know… mirrors. Eventually you’ll start feeling like a phoney.

blog the publisized

‘For years I thought that my lack of body love was my biggest issue, but it wasn’t’

The last couple of months I’ve been figuring out what actually happened. I was in such a good place, how did I end up here? Body wise I took so many steps. I can still honestly say that I’ve learned to love my body. There is just one problem: for years I thought that my lack of body love was my biggest issue, but it wasn’t. The way I looked at myself in the mirror was just a symptom of what was underneath. It distracted me from the bigger picture.

Being able to love my body put me on a high for about two years but the last year it has made room for something else: truly seeing myself. And that isn’t a pretty picture. I’ve been realising how I live my life. Tip toing. Reserved. Keeping myself small. Trying not to be too important. Basically living on the down low. Part of me is still the fat girl who doesn’t want to be seen. I know this may come as a shock for the people who see me as this super confident curvy woman. But it is the truth.

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‘When your own happiness depends on other people, dissapointment is always just around the corner’

Especially when it comes to love my ways are pretty heartbreaking. Not to the men I date, but to myself. I’ve been going Inspector Gadget on my love life and this is what I found: When someone treats me like shit, I try harder, instead of doing what is best for me. For some reason I wanted the men who didn’t want to love me, to love me. Well, I can tell you this: they won’t. So don’t try this at home.

We all go through things in life. I was a teen when a lot of painful things happened. It crushed me, but I didn’t want to feel it. It was too much to bare. So I found ways to deal with it. My own feelings I ‘fixed’ with food. I learned to focus on other people and their needs, instead of my own. But when your own happiness depends on other people, dissapointment is always just around the corner.

Dissapointment and failure are feelings that have kept me small. Obviously, it’s not working for me. So I’m now focusing on the most important part: I am finally able to see me. And even though it’s hard to swallow what your past can do to the way you live your life, I also know that it doesn’t have to be my future.

blog the publisized

So here I am. Back on the blog. With a focus on resilience. It’s always important to remember why you started. And this is part of my story too. I will write regularly about my whereabouts on my way to a better place filled with self-love. Once I’ve whipped up my personal recipe for everyday self-love I’ll share it. For now, putting out my truth on my blog is a start…

I’d love to hear your story too!

Keep shining,


Pictures by Monique Gerritsen 

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  1. How brave to share your doubts with us. And how familiair it sounds to be stuck in the cycle of ‘having to post’ and not meeting your own expectations. Hang in there, you’ve made the first step. Your readers are supporting you on your journey. I know I am. Because by sharing this you’re helping me.

  2. Just wauw!
    Every word just felt as my own, putting everybody else first looks likes it is making you happy, but life is about you and putting yourself first! Wish you good luck with your journey!
    I’m writing a book by myself, just to remember myself every day it’s about me now, my dreams and goals!



  3. Mooi en herkenbaar. Probeer ook de kracht te zien in kwetsbaarheid. Ik ben momenteel bezig met de boeken van Brené Brown (o.a. Daring greatly). Het boek begint met een toepasselijke quote “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

  4. I love everything about this. Thank you for being positive & open about your struggles, & I am glad you’re back..you’re truly an inspiration!!!
    You are a beautiful curvy queen

  5. Stoertje!! Goed dat je weer schrijft en shined hier. Zoen! En ik wil nog steeds een keer koffie drinken zusammen. 🙂

  6. Wat een mooi, eerlijk, fijn stuk. Ook hier herkenning. Een beetje te veel herkenning..
    Over blog, lijf, hard zijn voor jezelf, niet te belangrijk worden..
    Ik ga je volgen, want iemand die op dit tijdstip zo’n indruk maakt op me, vóór koffie, die lees ik heel graag vaker.

  7. Woh, betraand achter m’n bureau. Wat een echt stuk heb je geschreven. Heeeel herkenbaar, alsof je het over mij schreef. Bedankt voor het delen van je ervaringen. Ik denk dat heel veel vrouwen dit soort gevoelens en gedachten hebben (ik zeker!), het geeft kracht te weten dat je niet de enige bent. Keep up the good work! Je bent mooi van binnen en buiten!

    • Ahhh wat een mooie reactie Astrid. Dank voor je lieve woorden. En het is een fijne gedachte dat ik inderdaad niet de enige ben die tegen dit soort dingen aan loopt.

  8. Wow!! Dat is heel mooi en ontroerend geschreven. Ik ken jou als klein meisje en teenager en ik weet dat het niet altijd makkelijk voor je is geweest maar nu lees ik dit verhaal dat is geschreven door deze volmassen en zo’n mooie vrouw, wow. Ben super trots op je en blijf je blog volgen. Heel veel liefs xxx

  9. Pingback: Beach body, the sequel

  10. Hi… I admire many blogs, never do I comment. Always thought it was corny, not sure why. Anyway. This post. Hit me to the core. It is my life. Then and now. Thank you for sharing. I have just been awakened even more so.
    Cheers to self-love!

  11. I love your blog, I love the honesty and truth you’ve put in it. It’s very moving and I guess for many woman sounds familiar. Thank you for that.
    This is a book http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216 that really helped me out and made me realize so much about relationships and choices I make. It crossed my mind when I read about you choosing man who brings you down.


    • Thank you for your kind words! I actually have that book. I got it from a (male) friend yeaaaaaars ago. I started in it several times but had trouble getting through it because of the writing style. I’ll give it an another try 😉

  12. I’m loving the raw honesty in this post, your so relatable and i’m so happy that your blogging again. We need more bloggers like you!

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