If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. Well the good news: I’m back. The bad news: it’s a rocky road. I think this is going to be the most personal post so far. And I have to warn you: it’s not uplifting, but it will be honest.
It’s been over six months since I’ve uploaded my last blog post. Before that I was already struggling with posting regularly. I felt like I had to post three times a week, otherwise it wasn’t good enough. I only managed to post three times a week a couple of times. So in my head, when it came to blogging, I was failing ever since I started.
‘The thing about a personal blog is that it’s hard to keep up if you aren’t able to practice what you preach’
Needless to say, I’m hard on myself. Way too hard. And this is what killed my blog. It took me some time to get back on my feet again. Honestly, I’m still going through the process. I already wrote about the Negative Nancy in me. She tends to take over every now and then. Well the bitch came knocking, and I allowed her to enter my home again. Somebody has been sleeping in my bed, messing with my head.
When I started blogging in October 2014 I wasn’t in the best place already. But I’ve been talking about starting a blog for years so I just pushed myself into doing it. The thing about a personal blog is that it’s hard to keep up if you aren’t able to practice what you preach. Because you know… mirrors. Eventually you’ll start feeling like a phoney.
‘For years I thought that my lack of body love was my biggest issue, but it wasn’t’
The last couple of months I’ve been figuring out what actually happened. I was in such a good place, how did I end up here? Body wise I took so many steps. I can still honestly say that I’ve learned to love my body. There is just one problem: for years I thought that my lack of body love was my biggest issue, but it wasn’t. The way I looked at myself in the mirror was just a symptom of what was underneath. It distracted me from the bigger picture.
Being able to love my body put me on a high for about two years but the last year it has made room for something else: truly seeing myself. And that isn’t a pretty picture. I’ve been realising how I live my life. Tip toing. Reserved. Keeping myself small. Trying not to be too important. Basically living on the down low. Part of me is still the fat girl who doesn’t want to be seen. I know this may come as a shock for the people who see me as this super confident curvy woman. But it is the truth.
‘When your own happiness depends on other people, dissapointment is always just around the corner’
Especially when it comes to love my ways are pretty heartbreaking. Not to the men I date, but to myself. I’ve been going Inspector Gadget on my love life and this is what I found: When someone treats me like shit, I try harder, instead of doing what is best for me. For some reason I wanted the men who didn’t want to love me, to love me. Well, I can tell you this: they won’t. So don’t try this at home.
We all go through things in life. I was a teen when a lot of painful things happened. It crushed me, but I didn’t want to feel it. It was too much to bare. So I found ways to deal with it. My own feelings I ‘fixed’ with food. I learned to focus on other people and their needs, instead of my own. But when your own happiness depends on other people, dissapointment is always just around the corner.
Dissapointment and failure are feelings that have kept me small. Obviously, it’s not working for me. So I’m now focusing on the most important part: I am finally able to see me. And even though it’s hard to swallow what your past can do to the way you live your life, I also know that it doesn’t have to be my future.
So here I am. Back on the blog. With a focus on resilience. It’s always important to remember why you started. And this is part of my story too. I will write regularly about my whereabouts on my way to a better place filled with self-love. Once I’ve whipped up my personal recipe for everyday self-love I’ll share it. For now, putting out my truth on my blog is a start…
I’d love to hear your story too!
Pictures by Monique Gerritsen